Paris Is For Lovers - For Me, The Statement Is a Cliché
36 year old Parisian, Osmany Tavares recounts the realities of his dating experiences in Paris, France.
Words, Osmany Tavares
Photography, Osmany Tavares
Everybody wants love. Nobody wants to be alone. Nobody wants to feel rejected. From my experience and what I see around me, I believe that any kind of relationship today is more and more difficult to have. Everybody seems to be very busy doing multiple things everyday, temptation is everywhere, and the focus is scrambled.
You have a lot of people who have been disappointed enough to want to put up walls and be protective. It’s easy to meet and kiss people, but it’s hard to love them.
I have lived in Paris, France for the last 10 years. I moved from my hometown, Amiens, France where I was in a 7 year relationship that started back in 2005 and ended in 2011.
I believe that Paris had a major role in the end of that relationship: temptations, and new meetings I was not used to dealing with when I was living in my hometown. Amiens had about 100,000 people - Paris, about 10 million.
After such a long relationship which started at 21 years old for me, I figured I needed time to enjoy myself, so I really started dating in Paris in 2012.
The process I started to realize, was a very interesting one. I’d always been curious about dating platforms even way before my seven year relationship. I was interested in shorter connections with girls back in my hometown until I met my girlfriend of seven years.
Tinder wasn’t a thing back then. It might have just been getting started. I was on another app similar to tinder though. It was called ‘adopt-a-guy’ and it was one of the most popular apps back then. The interesting thing about the app was the formula: the lady actually had to start the conversation by adding the man to the ‘cart’. So funny, but it was really fun, and quite simple. We’d talk for one or two days through the app answering basic get-know-you questions and then we met.
I met a lot of girls. Honestly, between 2012 - 2013, I believe I engaged with close to 30 women. It was wild. Lots of dates. One out of two, or three dates never really went far. Not even a second or third date but I was really enjoying myself and having fun, hoping to meet someone special.
Paris creates the ideal scene to easily meet people. In bars, restaurants, on the street, anyone can just speak. It’s a very open minded city. People do what they want to do and at the time they want to do it. Many times, I’ve talked to people on dating apps and two hours later, there we were having a drink.
What I noticed and is still true till this day is that indeed, no serious relationship I have had has come from an app. Every serious relationship occurred as a result of seamless real life interactions through friends, at parties, at picnics and more.
I know I am not Will Smith. I am a regular guy. On paper, I’m sure I’m fine. Physically, I may not be the most good looking but over the years, I have realized I’m able to make up for it in person. I have personality, I think I am a funny guy, I can have any type of conversation, and I know stuff.
I am 36 years old now and throughout my dating cycle, I have only had two long term relationships under my belt.
Parisian women are really different. The one thing they all have in common is their assertiveness. They don’t like to be bullied, you cannot take them for fools, and they’re not the biggest fans of the stereotypical macho men. Parisian women have really strong character and to every social archetype there is, there’s a specific attitude.
For example, the upperclass girls are very fancy, and well dressed, but they always want to be in control. When I’d been on dates with several girls that I had liked, I was feeling the impression that I was being interviewed for a job. There are all these mandatory questions that are always the same.
“What do you do for a living?”
“What are three things that define you?”
“What are you looking for?”
“What’s your kind of man or girl?”
It was as if I had to show proof that I was worthy of their time. From a feminist point of view, some would argue that it’s really great, myself included, but on the flip side, spontaneity lacks for me.
I have a good life but social class and laid out answers are not the most important thing for dating or a relationship. I know for a lot of people, it’s like social commission, but for me, personality, and independence are the essentials. Looks of course, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that.
The first impression might be important, but sometimes people reveal themselves between 2 to 3, 4 or 5 dates. There’s an issue with people thinking everything connection should come instantly.
A typical dating structure for Parisians follow the idea of going to a place where you can have a nice drink and a great meal at the same time which is not that common because you have specialized places. Almost everything is specialized in Paris but most people have the same process. 80% of dating is a drink. Only a drink.
I never go on a date if things are not explicit in mind - if it’s just for fun or a one night stand etc. An actual real date is when you seem to really like the person. We’ve all had bad experiences and bad dates where there are no feelings other than physical attraction.
I like to think most Parisian men are like me. They go on dates with an open mind with the mentality that putting pressure or not thinking outside the box is a bad thing. You can’t go into a date and say “okay, if you don’t want a relationship, there’s no point of meeting.” Sometimes, the fact that you get along and have a nice feeling opens the mind to the idea of relationship.
Going further than expected in nice. Ideally, you go on a date just to have a first drink after work and then suddenly, you go “hey, this is fun. Let’s walk around” or whatever else. Suddenly, it’s 3am in the morning and you know you have a work day.
A good date exceeds what was planned.
The problem is that we don’t give people a chance to unveil themselves. The practice is universal in big cities - there are just plenty of choices. It’s the worst thing and I’m guilty of it too sometimes. I also suffer from it as well.
Today, you have great day with someone and tomorrow, you have an even greater time with someone else, how do you process that? You have to eliminate.
Dating in Paris, it’s typical to see more than one person at the same time. I’m sure it’s also normal behavior in big cities all over the world but after one or two years of active dating, I became more precise about what I was looking for. I didn’t really care for one night stands and short connections anymore. If I had to be in a relationship seeing someone over and over again while being able to build something, that would be the priority.
Paris is a tempting city and sometimes, it can look as if everything was designed to screw up relationships of any kind. Most people work a lot, others are introverts. and others really just never look up. It’s a seductive place to be but I’m not entirely optimistic about the future of dating in the city especially since it appears more than 50% of people above age 30 are actually single.
Paris is for lovers they say but for me, the statement is a cliché. However, I do believe Paris has an impact on dates. I think dates will have more chances to go well in a city like Paris because Paris is amazing.
Hanging out on the river banks on a summer night sunset feels like you’re in a Woody Allen movie. You cannot deny that there’s value in the aura Paris presents but what happens after the first date, or a few weeks after that picturesque moment?
For a current assessment, I find myself faced with a lingering question: If it’s not love at first sight, is anyone here able to build anything?